South 3 -2 Kettering

Everyone sing along…..

Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, booom,
Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hawkins
If you think we’re going to run?
We are the boys who will play your silly game.
We are the boys who can barely move and lame!
'Cause who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hawkins
If you think old Kettering’s done?
Mr. Mills goes off to South on the eight twenty-one,
But he comes home, he’s pointless and he hasn’t had much fun.
So who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hawkins,
If you think old Kettering's done?

This week’s episode sees the old platoon, beset by injuries, venture out of Kettering-not-on-Sea to the Eastern fenlands where there promises to be very little protection from the enemy.

Cast List
Captain Mainwaring – Paul Donnelly as our glorious leader
Sergeant Wilson – A suave hirsute Darren Brookes tries to apply logic to Mainwaring plans
Corporal Jones – a cameo role this week played by Luke Naunton
Private Fraser – Played by ex Scottish student Ben Mills
Private Godfrey – doddery old goalkeeper played by Barry Coe
Private Pike – Played by all the youngsters (Haydn Young, Theo Crick, George Hockley, Harrison Dell’Utri, Ash Easton, Adam Duell )– (remember young is a relative term for some of us)
Private Walker – Dean Grace, the Mohican haired chancer who will have some knock off stuff from Aldi
ARP Hodges – played by Mark Hawkins – popping in with ideas of how bad the platoon are playing and always making notes
The Verger – played by Ethan Roberts

The comedy begins on the journey to Cambridge as the car containing Private Mills is having to scour the city for a suitable gentlemens outfitter to provide him with some trainers “We’re doomed Captain Donnelly, doomed” only to discover they are actually in his bag. There is mild amusement as Private Crick struggles to find the changing room.
The inclement weather has already caused Private Mills problems “we’re doomed again Captain Donnelly” and the general decision is taken to hunker down in the warm and perform various exercises on the foam roller to try and free stuck body parts until Corporal Naunton rallies the troop for an amble in the downpour.
Our twelve heroes (of whom three are nearly medically discharged before the game) are met with a full battalion of Southerners, all 16 of them with not a youngster in sight, resplendent in purple, on a sodden battlefield.
Fortunately the deluge eases before battle commences and the umpires ( yellow coat – sensible, yellow jumper with white voluminous poncho – not so sensible ( imagine white ghost from Pac-Man look)).
Delight as our heroes actually took the lead when Corporal Naunton strode (his last real striding of the game) through the midfield and neatly slotted home. The lead was short lived as Private Coe saved the ball onto the size 19 foot of Private Crick and a forward knocked it in. South then took the lead when a lack of marking saw an easy goal. Corporal Naunton’s refusal to give the ball back followed by some Michael Flatley Riverdance moves saw him take a two minute breather. There was still time for Sergeant Brookes to fire home a short corner that we’d have been disappointed to let it in, but the Sergeant said it was going really fast! We all chuckle as Private Duell picks out his best pass of the half but unfortunately its to ‘pac a mac’ Pac Man umpire, who refuses to remove white top even though it is obviously influencing the game. Parity at the half.
Half time words of wisdom from Captain Donnelly and ARP Hawkins and a “they don’t like it up ‘em” moment from Corporal Naunton and we set about the second half. Private Mills was by this stage already injured and Corporal Naunton was soon to follow and, with your heroes running out of fit players the pressure started to tell as constant fresh legs from South penned us back. Private Coe rolled back the years to his Boer War pomp with a trademark ‘up periscope’ save and a number of other blocks and smothers but was powerless to stop a deflected short corner. Privates Young and Dell’Utri took the game to the hosts and the Verger was picking up balls from Private Duell but it was hard to see an equaliser coming. Sergeant Brookes did pick out three delightful passes in the second half that frankly deserved better. Shame on South as they started to waste time in the corners, we’d never do that.
Private Grace, sensing an opportunity, made a lung bursting 70 yard sortie into enemy territory with 5 minutes to go and wins us a short corner. Do we have the last laugh? No! Sergeant Brookes fires narrowly(!) wide and South hang on 3-2.

Again, more positives than negatives. Sergeant Brookes thought “you all did terribly well” and Captain Donnelly was pleased. ARP Hawkins added a few more ideas to his list but with two weeks to get everyone fit things are on the up and mid table mediocrity beckons.
We retired to reasonable showers and a non flooding changing room only to be aghast at the Verger’s apparently very expensive slip on sliders gaining him a well deserved Richard of the Day award.

A post shower stroll/limp/stagger to the tiny rugby club to be met with the regulation 4 pizzas, a paucity of seating and barely a word from the hosts.
Off to The Cock for a post match debrief and delight to find some wraps and pork pie laid on and colourful conversation with the locals.
With the clocks changing soon we will become a nocturnal team so supporters bring a torch for home games.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ( well the week after )